Good evening! Harrance is the name. Harrance Treft. Sorry to bother you, fine sir or madam, but I have a proposition for you. I’ve been developing a new kind of Good & Plenty for cattle, and I’d appreciate it if you tried it and let me know what you think, as cattle are incapable of giving me the measured feedback I require. I need to make this candy as good as possible, as the plan is to sell the recipe to Good & Plenty so I can finally pay off my houseboat. Your help will be critical in making this happen.
1. Are you ready to try my Good & Plenty for cattle?
1. Sure, I’ll give it a try.
2. Wonderful! Harrance is pleased to hear this. I first got the idea to make Good & Plenty for cattle when I was driving around in a field one day and noticed that none of the cattle in the field were enjoying Good & Plenties. I found this troubling, so I took out the phone book, got on the horn with Good & Plenty, and asked if they had any suggestions for what to do. They did not. But I’m a resourceful fellow, so I said to myself, “Y’know, just because I don’t have a fancy degree in Good & Plenty-making, or even know what Good & Plenty tastes like due to my severe carnauba wax allergy, doesn’t mean I can’t figure it out.” So I decided to give it a whirl, and 14 minutes later, I had made THIS. Give it a try and tell me what you think!
3. Now, of course, we all know that God is dead and the world is run by the lawyers who killed Him, so I do have to ask, for legal purposes, if you agree to incur any and all risks posed by eating Good & Plenty for cattle, including side-effects such as muscle failure, diarrheal quandaries, eyeball elusiveness, internal melting, too-many-lips disease, and certain death?
1. Yes, I agree.
2. Uh…I guess so.
3. Wait, what?
4. I don’t know…I’m not so sure about this anymore.
4. Now, before actually biting into the Good & Plenty, or even sucking on it really, it’d probably be best for you to just let it rest on your tongue for about 15 minutes to make sure it doesn’t trigger any reactions or anything. Please go ahead and do this, then let me know what you think.
1. Yum! After putting it on my tongue for 15 minutes, I can confirm that this Good & Plenty for cattle tastes just as good as regular Good & Plenty.
2. Hmmmm. Something about this reminds me of…batteries? Like, that weird metal/acid taste that batteries have? But overall, still really good.
3. Wuh woh. Wy wan’t wove wy wongue. Wy wongue is wumb.
4. Oh, God, I feel awful. I think I need to lie down.
5. Okay, now that it has rested on your tongue for a while, go ahead and chew and swallow the Good & Plenty. Then tell me what you think.
1. Wow, this is fantastic, Mr. Treft! Thanks for sharing your Good & Plenty for cattle with me. I love it!
2. It tastes alright, but gosh, something definitely feels a little off.
3. Ow! My mouth feels damaged.
4. I feel even worse than before. I’m not okay. I need you to call me an ambulance.
6. Wonderful, wonderful, sounds like you’re enjoying the Good & Plenty for cattle. One quick thing I should’ve mentioned: Now, I’m not exactly sure how it all works, but cattle have all sorts of bonus stomachs and tongues and whatnot, so the way they digest Good & Plenties is going to be dramatically different from how single-stomached folks like yourself digest them. Therefore, you probably shouldn’t expect the digestion process to go very smoothly for you. To be clear, this is an issue caused by your own digestive inadequacies and not the candy itself, so you can rest assured that cattle will not be harmed by this product. But still, you’re probably suffering a bit of gastrointestinal agony right now, correct?
1. Actually, I’m feeling great! My digestive system is working better than ever!
2. Yeah, I’m feeling pretty bad.
3. Jesus, this really hurts! I am doubled over with stomach pain.
4. I think the Good & Plenty killed my digestive system. It feels like it just stopped working entirely. I really think my body might be shutting down. Please call an ambulance if you haven’t already!
7. Thank you for your input. It will go a long way towards helping me achieve my dream of providing cattle with a third choice of food besides hay and grass. We are changing the world for the better! However, it should be noted that, due to their baffling digestive systems, cows eat by chewing their food, swallowing it, regurgitating it, and then chewing it a second time. And if you don’t do the same, then I’m afraid your feedback will be useless. So could you please go ahead and regurgitate the Good & Plenty and then eat it again like a cow would?
1. Way ahead of you, Mr. Treft—I already did it, and I loved it!
2. Well, I can’t say I particularly enjoyed eating something I’d just regurgitated, but I could definitely see a cow liking it.
3. Jesus Christ, this is so unpleasant. Why am I doing this? This is terrible.
4. Hhhhhhhhhhhhh. Hhhhhhhhhhhhfffffffff. CALL AMBULANCE!!!
8. Brilliant, thank you. Having now experienced the Good & Plenty exactly as a cow would, can you give me your honest opinion on the candy? Do you think cattle will actually enjoy the Good & Plenty I have made for them?
1. I think cattle will go absolutely crazy for this wonderful new treat you’ve made for them. You’ve truly outdone yourself, Mr. Treft. Congratulations!
2. I’ll be totally honest, the Good & Plenty wasn’t that great. But then again, it’s probably still better than grass or whatever. So, sure, I think cattle would like it.
3. Enjoy? No. But they’ll probably still eat them anyway because they’re cows, and cows aren’t smart.
4. [indiscernible gurgling sounds]
