A lady goes into a pet store one day.
“I’m really lonely,” she says to the clerk. “I need a pet to keep me company.”

“Well,” replies the clerk, “how about this nice parrot? He’ll talk to you.”

“Hey, that’s great,” says the lady. She buys the parrot and takes him home. The next day the lady comes back to the pet store. “You know, that parrot isn’t talking to me yet,” she says.

“Hmm, let’s see,” says the clerk. “I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He’ll climb the ladder, and then he’ll talk.” So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder. The next day she comes back again.

“Hey, that parrot still hasn’t said a word,” she says to the pet-store clerk.

He thinks a minute. “How about this little mirror?” he says. “You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, and then he’ll talk to you.”

“Okay,” she says, and buys the little mirror and goes home. But the next day that same lady is back in the shop. “Well, I’m getting a bit discouraged,” she says. “That parrot still won’t talk to me.”

The clerk scratches his head. “Let me think. Aha! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!”

“All right, I’ll give it a try,” says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes it home. The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is very distressed.

“What’s wrong?” asks the clerk.

“My parrot … well, he died,” she answers quietly.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry for your loss!” exclaims the clerk. “But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?”

“Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died,” she replies.

“Well, what did he say?” asks the clerk.

The lady replies, “He said, ‘Doesn’t that store carry any food?’”

A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship.
His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying “Big deal, the cards up his sleeve.” or “He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!”

One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician.

Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed “Okay, I give up… where the hell did you put the god damned boat!”

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes
about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.

“Nothing much… But he would be 165 years old.”