We are really sorry about this, but you are about to die. You have a few minutes to put your thoughts together and give one last dying prayer in an effort to ensure yourself a spot in Heaven. You definitely don’t want to screw this up. Good luck!
Doing some shit with your hands seems to be a pretty important part of praying. What are you doing with your hands during your dying prayer?
In the first line of the prayer, you should establish who you are praying to. What is the first line of your prayer?
It probably wouldn’t hurt to remind the higher power you’re praying to of all of the things you’ve done to honor them in your life—y’know, to make a stronger case for yourself.
It’s usually good to include something about the sins you’ve committed, because God knows about all that stuff so you may as well be honest about it.
Sorry to rush this, but death is near. It’s time to wrap up your prayer.
1. God my father, who is also Jesus’ father, who is also Jesus Himself, may You remember the countless times I voted for the most evangelical candidate running to ensure the United States remains a great Christian nation ruled by the word of God and also the many times I praised You with my guitar playing in my Christian pop band, 4 His Name.
2. Oh God please don’t make me burn in Hell. Fuck fuck fuck I am so sorry I fucked up. Whether you’re God or Jesus or Buddha or that Indian lady with all the arms just please please don’t make me burn in Hell. I don’t even have to go to Heaven! Limbo would be fine. Just a black and white TV and some Stouffer’s frozen lasagnas is all I need in the afterlife. Give me another chance! Let me live my life again and I’ll go to church this time, I swear!
3. I regret nothing. Hail Satan.
4. I’ve said my piece. Now, I’d really like to use the rest of my time to get my affairs in order, express my last wishes to my family, and watch one last sunset.
